Between Waves

Tomorrow is meant to be a day full of excitement, and now it just feels almost unbearable to face.

You should be turning 4, and I was so, so excited for it like I am every year.

I’ve already bought all your presents and we had such a fun day planned. Now I’m sitting here knowing they need wrapping and the task feels impossible. The pain is so immense I can’t even explain it. Knowing that you won’t be here to open them all. I wish id just given them all to you weeks ago now.

You absolutely loved birthdays. I can picture your face so clearly how excited you’d get, how appreciative you always were. The biggest cuddles, like you couldn’t squeeze me tight enough. The little growls you’d give your sister to stay back but then letting her help you anyway.

I don’t know what we’re going to do now. Nothing feels right without you physically here. I know you can’t be here in your physical body, and that breaks me. Ive asked your sister to open your presents for you, she was more than happy with that task. Ive also got your balloon and cake which you also love. 

But what do we do with the day? Maybe we will take a drive to the beach somewhere?, maybe we will just continue making yours and evelyns garden?  Whatever it is it will be for you.

So the morning was heavy, full of tears as expected but trying to keep it together to some extent for Evelyn. We watched her opening your presents, I felt you with us the whole time, I knew you were near. We decided to go and visit our rabbits at their new rabbit haven. It was somewhere I was going to take you and Evelyn to see in the near future as I wanted you to see how happy and looked after they were. I know you absolutely loved getting the rabbits out for a cuddle and the place is people free, out in nature and calming. We decided to drive there in our camper like we would have done. I was imagining you and evelyn in the back together, oh so painful. Everything is just so bloody painful.

We then drove to reculver beach and had lunch, something we did recently together, you always loved the simple things. ❤️ However, it became a little overwhelming you not being by myside, it was the first time id left the house since and I decided it was best to go back home and relax in your garden so thats what we did.

We carried you with us in every step, every breath, every moment. We said your name, we remembered your smile, and we all love you just as fiercely as ever. Always and forever my beutiful boy, until we meet again 💙