Between Waves

So much has happened in just a month!
This time last month, I was in the depths of despair. I felt completely lost and out of control in pretty much every aspect of my life. I was living in my van, my daughter was staying at my mum’s, and everything felt so discombobulated. I didn’t really know what I wanted or where I was heading. I think, more than anything, I just wanted some kind of normality again. Although I knew that normal was never going to look quite the same as it once did.
It felt as though there were so many blockages in front of me, and I simply couldn’t see a path through the trees.
I started speaking to estate agents, explaining my situation and that I desperately needed somewhere for my daughter and me to call home but it wasn’t straightforward, I was told I needed a guarantor, and without one, the only properties they could offer me were around £500 a month. It all felt incredibly overwhelming, and at times I couldn’t see how I was ever going to make it work.
Then, one day, I put a few feelers out, and almost immediately a friend got in touch. She mentioned that there was a flat above her that might be suitable and somehow, everything just fell into place.
I went to view it, she offered to be my guarantor, and before I knew it, things were moving very quickly. I honestly couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect but I couldnt help but feel that Woody was watching over us and helping things fall into place ❤️ along with some very helpful loving friends that have supported me and helped me along the way.

There was also a huge panic attack at the beginning of all of this, which left me feeling incredibly fragile, still to this day. It really knocked me sideways and in many ways forced me to stop and look at how I was coping with everything. I think I’d reached a point where the old destructive ways of coping just weren’t viable anymore. I couldn’t keep pushing feelings down, distracting myself or relying on things that ultimately weren’t helping me. Losing Woody has changed so much about me, and I think I’d been trying to navigate an entirely new reality using the same old coping mechanisms. Something had to change. Since stopping drinking and beginning to really turn towards myself, rather than away from what I was feeling, things have started to fall into place. Not always easily, and certainly not without difficult days, but I feel as though I’m beginning to find a different way of living. One that feels a little more grounded, a little more honest and kinder to myself.

As lovely as it is to have a home again, the whole process has been incredibly emotional. There is something quite bittersweet about navigating a new chapter when the person you desperately want to share it with is no longer physically here. There are moments when the reality of that really hits me. This is a chapter Woody was never supposed to miss and a home he should have been part of, memories we should have been making together. But I bring him with me, always, and amongst all the sadness, there is something so comforting about simply being under one roof again with my girl. Having our own space, finding our feet and slowly rebuilding some kind of routine. She seems happy, and that means everything to me.
I’ve also just finished my hypnotherapy sessions with the most wonderful therapist. I went into them feeling incredibly overwhelmed, anxious and disconnected from myself. I think I’d been operating in survival mode for such a long time and although i still feel i am most days, I do feel more settled. The sessions have really helped calm my nervous system and, perhaps more importantly, given me a little more space to breathe and the confidence to take that next step.

I’m not suddenly fixed or pain free but I do feel as though I am starting to find my feet again. Perhaps that’s what this chapter is about, not finding my way back to the person I was before, because that person no longer exists, but slowly discovering who I am now, whilst carrying everything and everyone I love with me.
One little step at a time ❤️